Salesmen
by Janos
Summary: Someone strange appears on the Andromeda...


Salesmen  
  
Harper was in his room catching up on his sleep when there was a knock at the door. He grumbled and got out of bed to answer. He opened the door.  
  
"Would you care to purchase a vacuum cleaner?"  
  
"Wuhh...?" he blinked and rubbed his eyes clear of sleep.  
  
He saw a man in a bright green and yellow checkered jacket. "It's the best money can buy! Completely rustproof, waterproof, and dust-proof! No bags!"  
  
"Um, well..."  
  
"I can offer it to you for only ninety-nine ninety-nine! I'm practically giving it away!"  
  
"Err, no thanks I don't think so..." said Harper, closing the door. He was not quite sure of what he had just seen. He must be still asleep. He turned back to his bed and flopped into it. He really should get more sleep...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Trance was in hydroponics, watering her plants. She had finally gotten around to finding a new Walter, to replace the one Harper had exploded in his experiment. She named it Walter II, and it was growing quite nicely. Gerald and Julia were growing well too, though Samantha seemed to need a bit more water... she reached over to give her some when there came a knock at the door.  
  
"Who, could that be?" she wondered, as she went to answer it. She opened the door.  
  
"Can I interest you in a vacuum cleaner?"  
  
"Um, well..."  
  
"Completely rustproof, waterproof, and dustproof! It'll suck up anything, and if you'll kindly look at the adjustable handle, you may also see that it is absolutely 100% free of bags! Only ninety-nine ninety-nine!"  
  
"I don't think we need one, we already have the bots to clean everything up..."  
  
"But wouldn't you rather do things yourself? When was the last time you felt satisfied at doing a good job all on your own? Well now you can with the Ultra-5000 X! Only ninety-nine ninety-nine!"  
  
This man in his garish clothing was making her nervous. "No, thank you," She closed the door  
  
She went back to her watering without a second thought.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Beka sat in the Maru going through her old things. It was definitely time she cleaned out the Maru, but she had gotten sidetracked when she found some of her old pictures of her and an old boyfriend. His name had been Steve, and though he was far from perfect, he was the best boyfriend she had ever had. But given the competition, that wasn't really saying much. She came across a picture from soon after they had met. It was one of the best times in her life... submersed in memories, she was viciously brought out of it when the buzzer rang. Annoyed, she got up, ready to give a talking to to whoever it was...  
  
The door opened to a man holding a boxlike thing with a tube coming out of it. He had on a bright jacket, which distracted her. He spoke before she could get a word in edgeways.  
  
"Can I interest you in purchasing this lovely vacuum cleaner? Tests have shown it's better than the leading brand! Completely rustproof, waterproof, and dustproof! No bags!"  
  
Beka shook her head to sort out this sudden barrage of words, "No, I don't think so..."  
  
"You won't be saying that once you've had a demonstration!" he turned it on, and he had to yell over the sudden burst of sucking noises, "Sucks up all kinds of dirt and dust that you never thought would be possible! Perfect for doing stairs, and it has a lovely adjustable handle!" he turned it off, "Only ninety-nine ninety-nine, plus an extra four ninety-nine for the extra super-deluxe accessories!"  
  
"No. Go away," Beka shut the door in his face. He was certainly being presumptuous trying to sell things to Beka Valentine... she turned back to her cleaning. With all that time wasted she'd never get it all done today...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Tyr was lifting weights.  
  
"...89... 90... 91..." he grunted as he came close to his goal.  
  
"...97..." he dropped the bar as a ring at the door broke his concentration. He growled savagely at whoever had ruined his progress, and showed his weakness at being unable to keep his mind on one thing. Planning to tan the hide of whoever it was, he moved the bar back into its place and threw open the door.  
  
A man immediately started speaking, "Would you care to purchase a vacuum cleaner?"  
  
"What do you mean by that?" Tyr asked savagely, his plan not forgotten.  
  
"The new Ultra 5000 X is completely rustproof, waterproof, and dustproof! No bags! Tests show it is 50% more efficient than the leading brand! Plus, extra accessories for only four ninety-nine! Comes in five different colours, perfect for your lifestyle!"  
  
Tyr just sat and watched the man until he was finished. It didn't seem to coming any time soon...  
  
"It's the best money can buy! It'll suck up anything, even things you never dreamed of! Completely effective for doing stairs and carpets! Only ninety- nine ninety-nine!"  
  
Tyr shook his head and closed the door. This man wasn't even worth beating...  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Dylan was in his quarters, playing Go with Rommie. She was winning by far. Dylan shook his head, "Whatever gave me the great idea to play Go with an android?"  
  
"No one else would play with you, if I remember correctly, which I do, and you were becoming restless from a lack of challengers. It was my duty to cure your pacing," she smiled, though both knew it wasn't the android's job to look after the captain's mental health.  
  
There was a knock at the door before Dylan could respond.  
  
"Who is it Rommie?"  
  
She looked puzzled, "It isn't a member of the crew, but I don't know how my censors could have missed it... it doesn't appear to be of any race I've ever encountered,"  
  
Dylan got up slowly, drawing his force-lance which he kept on hand at all times. He slowly approached the door. It knocked again before he reached it. He quickly opened the door and pointed his force-lance at the intruder. He blinked at the sudden rush of colours, and he saw spots. The man was talking. He concentrated his attention soon enough to hear the last of a sentence.  
  
"...vacuum cleaner?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Would you be interested in a vacuum cleaner? The new Ultra 5000 X is the best money can buy! Fifty per cent better than the leading brand, and it comes in five different colours, perfect for any lifestyle! It will suck up any kind of dust and dirt, and works easily on stairs and carpets! Completely rustproof, waterproof, and dustproof!"  
  
"I don't think we're interested..."  
  
"Just wait until you see the demonstration!" he turned it on, yelling over the noise, "You may want to note the lovely adjustable handle!" he turned it off again, after a few passes over the floor, "This can be yours for only ninety-nine ninety-nine! Plus, deluxe extra features and accessories for the low low price of four ninety-nine!"  
  
Suddenly logic hit him.  
  
"What are you doing on my ship?" he stuck his force-lance in the man's face, reminding him who was the boss here.  
  
Because of some strange twist of fate, just then Tyr, Harper, Trance, and Beka came down the hallway from different directions. They noticed the man with Dylan, and came over to help. The man finally seemed to notice that they had surrounded him. He uncharacteristically shut his mouth, for once.  
  
"I ask again, what are you doing on my ship?"  
  
"I'm only trying to sell the vacuum cleaner. Listen, they told me to come here. Besides, I only follow the orders, I don't make them,"  
  
"Who's your boss? Who sent you here?"  
  
He shrugged, "I don't know. I get messages in the mail telling me where to go, and I go. It's better than sitting around all the time,"  
  
Rommie came out of the room, "I'm baffled... I can't seem to find any species matching this man in my memory banks,"  
  
He laughed kindly, "I doubt you would have. We are quite a rare species. We call ourselves Salzmaan. Not many people have the privilege to come in contact with us. Unfortunately, people don't tend to appreciate us much... most of the time when we do contact people we end up being tossed out of an airlock,"  
  
Trance looked sympathetic, "That's so sad... what did you ever do to deserve it?"  
  
He smiled at her, "I'm afraid our race is disagreeable to most people. In fact, many seem to have a strong negative reaction when they come in contact with us... it does puzzle me so. I'm only following my nature,"  
  
"Who gave you permission to come here?"  
  
He pulled out a piece of paper, handing it to Tyr "I have my permit right here, good sir. You will see it is all in order,"  
  
Tyr looked at it closely, and handed it to Dylan, "Unfortunately, it appears he is right," Dylan handed the paper back to him.  
  
"Well, what can we do to get rid of you?" asked Harper.  
  
"Harper, that was a little mean," protested Trance. He shrugged his shoulders and turned back to the man.  
  
He answered, "After you buy my vacuum cleaner is the only time they allow me to leave,"  
  
They looked at each other uncertainly.  
  
"May I ask a question?" he asked.  
  
"You just did, so go ahead," answered Beka.  
  
"Would you fine people care to purchase a vacuum cleaner?"  
  
They sagged.  
  
"Completely rustproof, waterproof, and dustproof!"  
  
They wilted.  
  
"Only ninety-nine ninety-nine!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The crew waved goodbye to the man in the bright green-and-yellow checkered jacket, as his ship pulled away and gradually disappeared into the depths of space. Trance turned to the rest of the crew.  
  
"So, what are we supposed to do with this vacuum cleaner?"  
  
Fin 


End file.
